Anders Bagge framträdande i Sveriges Television i går kväll slutade i tragedi.

Did you know that, on average, a human being knows whether or not they want to go for a pint with someone within three seconds of meeting them?
No, you didn’t, because we just made that up, but that’s exactly the sort of sh*te people come out with down the pub and just expect you to believe.
Being good company for a pint is one of life’s most important and nuanced skills. All job interviews should be over a pint – it demonstrates social versatility, communicational prowess, and will have you telling the truth on why you left your last job.
It’s absolutely nothing like being a Premier League manager, but you can just tell some would be better craic over a cold one than others. Starting from the bottom…
20. Erik Ten Hag
He’s stressed, he’s wound tight, and he’s liable to snap at any moment. You do not need to be putting beer into this man. Looks like he might glaze over mid-sentence and offer you out for a straightener in the smoking area.
Chamomile tea and yoga for a month or two, then maybe we’ll talk about a pint. Until then, we’re busy that night, sorry, mate.
We’d just spend the whole time staring at his hair and wondering if it’s soft and silky or frozen stiff with Shockwaves gel. Then we’d move on to the stubble. It’s always 5pm on Mikel’s face. How? How is he doing that?
Wonder if he does special exercises to keep that jawline popping.
Wait… sorry, what was that about overloading the midfield? Oh. Yeah. I agree, mate.
18. Marco Silva
Just can’t see Marco with a pint. Feel like the conversation would go roughly as follows:
“So, have you been here often? Is it always this quiet? Oh, right, no, me neither.
“Have you seen they’re knocking down the old flats near… oh, no, yeah, I should probably head off too. Yep. Catch you later, pal.”
17. Gary O’Neil
Every conversation would circle back to Bournemouth, you know it would. “Snakes everywhere, mate. You have to be careful out there.”
Like a recently divorced man chatting about his ex-wife. You get binned off for a sensibly-dressed Spanish bloke, it’s getting mentioned REPEATEDLY after three pints.
16. Andoni Iraola
Speaking of sensibly dressed Spanish blokes, we’d just find it really difficult to trust a bloke in cotton-blend (95% polyester) crewneck over a gingham collared shirt at the pub.
Why are you dressed like a GCSE maths teacher? It’s card-only here, pal, stop asking me how much change you’d get out of £20 if you bought three Neck Oils but were refunded for one poorly-poured Guinness.
15. Eddie Howe
Actually think Eddie would loosen up a bit at the pub. Let his hair down a bit. Problem is he’s brought his intense-as-f*ck mate, and his mate’s trying to scrap everyone.
You’re trying to make it very clear that you don’t know this bloke — you just met him tonight.
Eddie’s mate gets kicked out and insists on dragging you to a “proper” bar he knows down the road. It’s got boarded-up windows and you suspect they have illegal cock-fighting in the smoking area.
Your suspicions are confirmed when Eddie’s mate slides a fifty quid note over the bar, glances around with his eyes, no conspicuous movement of the head, and mutters, “Three pints of Carling and forty on the big one with the dark plumage.”
14. Oliver Glasner
Looks a bit like a bloke who pretends to know about whisky and wine and whatnot. Bored. We’re bored, Oliver.
13. Roberto De Zerbi
Honestly, we’d probably just spend the whole time asking him about Sassuolo and Domenico Berardi and Giacomo Raspadori, and how to get the best out of Gianluca Scamacca.
Maybe get him to do our tactics for us on Football Manager. He’d probably have a bad night because of us, and we don’t want that.
Knocked down several places in this ranking for looking like he could be part of a 1999 American pop-rock band in a visually oversaturated music video.
12. Unai Emery
“Good ebening. One Estrella Garcia, please, and one pint of the blood of a virgin.”
*Elaborately waves hand in front of the bartender’s eyes*
“You will not remember this conversation and you don’t believe in vampires.”
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every player to appear for Arsenal under Unai Emery?
11. Pep Guardiola
Would love to see what Pep is like five pints deep. Starts off explaining how to create gaps in the opposition’s defensive structure, using empties as props, ends up belting out rebel songs with the trad band in the corner.
10. Thomas Frank
Quirky fella. You’re getting some weird craic out of him and, after a few jars, you’re getting into it. You start to suspect he might be a goblin, some sort of Middle Earthman. Two more flagons of grog, barkeep! Down with the hobbits!
9. Vincent Kompany
Big Vinnie would be amiable, he’d make sure he got more rounds in than you do, and if anyone tries to harsh your vibe, he’s laying the nut on them.
8. Mauricio Pochettino
A man who looks desperate to spill the tea on the Bedlamic bin fire that is Chelsea Football Club. He’s having a couple Guinness’s and calling Todd Boehly worse than sh*t. Let it all out, brother.
7. David Moyes
Get a Tenant’s in Moysey and he’s hustling you at pool, smashing you at darts, and giving you patronising winks as he does it. He’s fleeced you of your dignity, but he has gotten three unanswered rounds of drinks in.
You mention Wilf Zaha in passing, purely by accident. The music cuts out, everyone in the establishment turns to watch, and Moysey’s eyes narrow.
“I think you’d better leave, son.” He says, with a calmness and stillness layered on a bedrock of pure rage.
You edge out of the pub, backwards, not daring to take your eyes off the man who’s shoulders are rapidly rising and falling in an attempt to control his breathing, preventing an act of violence upon your person, the likes of which you would never fully recover from.
Wilder is spending the evening chatting about the EFL and how the Prem is just a cash cow for the media.
He’s regaling you with anecdotes from the time he won the West Riding County Cup with Halifax and, to be fair, you’re having a great time.
Would love to sit opposite Nuno as he sips a glass of red (he’s not on the pints), imparting calm knowledge through his beard.
His magnificent beard. Just coolly philosophising on life. Like a sound bath for your brain. He’s on the rollies as well, by the way. Fisherman’s jumper and linen trousers.
You’re having a gorgeous time with Rob. Handsome Rob, charming the staff, charming the regulars, charming you. Makes you laugh, tells you a story that makes you cry. He’s got the bar in the palm of his hand.
Nobody’s paying you any attention whatsoever. Everyone just wants to talk to Rob. You find yourself sat alone at the bar.
Sometimes we are loneliest in the most crowded rooms.
3. Ange Postecoglou
The night starts well, but he’s gone all-out attack on the jagerbombs and you’re both paralytic by 10pm. You suspect you’re gonna be a bit leaky at the back tomorrow morning.
You’re both just grunting noises at each other and swaying with your arms around each other’s shoulders, feeling a sense of inexplainable brotherhood, shouting the words to Don’t Look Back In Anger at a volume that will definitely have repercussions for your vocal folds.
You’re so bloated. You’ve never drank so much beer. Heavy beer, too. He’s got you playing drinking games with the next table over, who you’re now best mates with. The bar staff are annoyed at first, but Jurgen gets them all in on it. He’s buying the bar staff drinks.
You’re drinking straight from the taps, now. All structure and hierarchy has broken down. This is life. This is living. This is gonna end in tears.
1. Sean Dyche
Dychey’s got pub etiquette tattooed onto the inside of his brain.
A master of his domain. Crisp packet opened in the middle of the table for sharing. Pint of bitter placed neatly on the beer mat. One eye on you, the other on the queue at the bar to make sure no one’s pushing in.
He’s got Northern soul and 2nd wave ska queued up on the jukebox for the next two hours, and interesting facts/trivia ready for sharing. We’re having a f*cking good time tonight, and Dychey is going to make sure it’s done proper.
Oh, and the taxis are already ordered, because there’s absolutely no f*cking way on this planet that Dychey isn’t drinking you under the table.

Categories: Music